Touching My Junk in the Name of Security

Last month I spoke against TSA's touchy-feely business and it seems that there are more people out there like me. According to Gallup Polls, 42% of people are bothered or angered about pat downs and scans; yet people don't mind the loss of privacy as a method to dealing with terrorism. Huhn? Yes, we are some complicated beings I suppose.

As in the case of John Tyner in the earlier part of November, who was harassed by a TSA official for refusing a body scan and pat down; there is something that churns my gut when ignorance and power-tripping merge in the form of $15 an hour and a corny blue suit. Tyner who is known for the comment to a TSA worker, "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested," brought up a thought I had in my head since my partial mammogram @ LAX in October.

Do these new TSA security practices borderline sexual harassment? And how sure are we that the TSA worker is ethical in the searches? Everyone knows that they are underpaid lapdogs enforcing strict codes of others who get the bulk of the sizable security contracts from the bureau of Homeland Security.

I propose that we implement a psychological evaluation of checkpoint workers. You never know who is looking at your pu$$y. I feel sorry for a celebrity. I can see it right now. X-rays of Janet Jackson's silicon breasts and the Kardashians' (including their skank-ass mama) reconstructed vaginas on eBay for $50.

After the observations of some of these folk, I think that the radiation exposure has sped up the severity of their mental health issues. But seriously, if anyone should be concerned about radiation exposure, shouldn't it be the TSA workers standing right by the machines all day, getting exposed to second-hand radiation blasts?

But who cares about Bubba, Keisha, Jerome & Sally-Mae. They are disposable pawns that can be used to carry out dirty work then shat upon once they are no longer of good use...or at least until cancer tests come out positive.

But I do know this. Never piss off a TSA worker. They will have your ass grounded. Say something nice and gentle like, "I love your uniform. You look like you are in control." But have you ever caught a red-eye or early morning flight when they have Taneisha and them on the worst schedules. Look at the eyelashes, they either have come back from the club and straight to work, or going there when they get off. Just let them know that the lashes and lace front wig is flawless. . . although it starts at about the middle of their forehead.

Whatever the case, just make sure you have on some good panties and drawers, put on some effective deodorant, brushed away morning breath and have applied ample amounts of lotion. I was embarrassed one time when I forgot to get a pedicure and put lotion on my feet. OMG! The crust and the ashen toes had the K-9's running away.

As I am at the airport waiting at the checkpoint line, I think of some interesting scenarios that can occur in the face of body scans and pat downs.

What do I do when I am menstruating and am wearing a sanitary napkin for my heavy day? Will they puke upon site at my blood-soaked pad?

What if I am traveling with an elder in my family who has shat in their Depends diaper just before the pat down? Please don't squeeze the shit Mr. TSA.

What if the TSA worker is secretly into busty black girls porn or sadomasochism and they come across me, my funky attitude and my DDs?

What if the TSA worker is secretly into child porn and they want to pat down my niece or nephew?

What  if an obvious gay guy gives my husband an infamous "how you doing" wink after a rough pat down procedure? 

What will happen if I tell a TSA worker, "If you can touch mine, I have to touch yours"?

If I tell them that Obama is my cousin, do you think they will give me dap, a pound or a pass? Or put my ass in jail immediately?

TSA Debaucle & Douche Bags

“It is weakness rather than wickedness which renders men unfit to be trusted with unlimited power.” John Adams, 1788

As I was coming off of a blissful wedding weekend, I was irritated by the boys and girls in blue. Nope, not the police this time; but those damn law enforcement rejects who stand at the mammagram machines at airports.

Mu'fucking T-S-A employees who act like peons attempting to use their ounce of power because they hate on people who can actually get on a plane and leave the city. Travel mu'fucka, travel!

"Assholes Following Orders" is a better title for these sadistic, lap-dogs. All of that unsecurity made me miss my plane.

I thought security is supposed to make you feel safe, not dehumanize you?

When I recently flew out of LAX, I was patted down like I had on a burqa and a ticking sound under my clothes. All I had on was a skirt and a bandana to keep my hair tied down (I'mma black woman what do you expect).

Next time I fly, I'll go barefoot while wearing a thong and some plastic nipple pasties.

With the new "threat" of travelers the check in at airports are nothing short of a pap smear or testicular exams. Might as well say, "Breathe, the spatula will be a little cold" or "Cough".

And the validation that they sell the public is that they are keeping the airports safer. So folks agree to being violated in the public. That is not what being an American citizen, or in fact, a human, is about.

Real Quick Story.

An 80-plus elder in my family was taken through the ringer this week because her pacemaker kept going off. As she tried to explain her internal machine, the TSA chick told her that they would have to take off her wig to check under her hairpiece. Oh no she didn't!

My family elder's reply was, "You take off my wig, I will slap the shit out of you."

Of course the response from that little punk TSA bitch was, "Security."

No wonder Osama Bin Laden and underwear bombers of the world do not get caught. TSA is chasing grannies with Elizabeth Taylor wigs.

So here is my top 10 List of Why TSA Needs an Enema
10. TSA employees who go slower when there is a long line of people.

9. TSA employees who drink confiscated liquor (like my $150 bottle of whiskey).

8. TSA employees who are overzealous in patting you down, but are underachievers in common social decency as they monitor your private areas. Watch my DD's sweetheart they are home grown.

7. TSA employees have a serious turnover rate because they hate their jobs.

6. TSA employees who think they are cops and God.


5. TSA employees who steal your luggage or good pair of panties.

4. TSA employees who take out their frustration on unassuming travelers.

3. TSA employees who failed the SWAT Team test like 20 times, but swear they have the eye of an eagle, only to find out that the "suspicious object" was your dildo.

2. TSA employees who let people they are cool cut in front of you and smuggle in their medical marijuana from California.

1. TSA employees who report to work 1 hour early so they can prepare in doing the ultimate task of frisking 1,000 people a day.