Touching My Junk in the Name of Security

Last month I spoke against TSA's touchy-feely business and it seems that there are more people out there like me. According to Gallup Polls, 42% of people are bothered or angered about pat downs and scans; yet people don't mind the loss of privacy as a method to dealing with terrorism. Huhn? Yes, we are some complicated beings I suppose.

As in the case of John Tyner in the earlier part of November, who was harassed by a TSA official for refusing a body scan and pat down; there is something that churns my gut when ignorance and power-tripping merge in the form of $15 an hour and a corny blue suit. Tyner who is known for the comment to a TSA worker, "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested," brought up a thought I had in my head since my partial mammogram @ LAX in October.

Do these new TSA security practices borderline sexual harassment? And how sure are we that the TSA worker is ethical in the searches? Everyone knows that they are underpaid lapdogs enforcing strict codes of others who get the bulk of the sizable security contracts from the bureau of Homeland Security.

I propose that we implement a psychological evaluation of checkpoint workers. You never know who is looking at your pu$$y. I feel sorry for a celebrity. I can see it right now. X-rays of Janet Jackson's silicon breasts and the Kardashians' (including their skank-ass mama) reconstructed vaginas on eBay for $50.

After the observations of some of these folk, I think that the radiation exposure has sped up the severity of their mental health issues. But seriously, if anyone should be concerned about radiation exposure, shouldn't it be the TSA workers standing right by the machines all day, getting exposed to second-hand radiation blasts?

But who cares about Bubba, Keisha, Jerome & Sally-Mae. They are disposable pawns that can be used to carry out dirty work then shat upon once they are no longer of good use...or at least until cancer tests come out positive.

But I do know this. Never piss off a TSA worker. They will have your ass grounded. Say something nice and gentle like, "I love your uniform. You look like you are in control." But have you ever caught a red-eye or early morning flight when they have Taneisha and them on the worst schedules. Look at the eyelashes, they either have come back from the club and straight to work, or going there when they get off. Just let them know that the lashes and lace front wig is flawless. . . although it starts at about the middle of their forehead.

Whatever the case, just make sure you have on some good panties and drawers, put on some effective deodorant, brushed away morning breath and have applied ample amounts of lotion. I was embarrassed one time when I forgot to get a pedicure and put lotion on my feet. OMG! The crust and the ashen toes had the K-9's running away.

As I am at the airport waiting at the checkpoint line, I think of some interesting scenarios that can occur in the face of body scans and pat downs.

What do I do when I am menstruating and am wearing a sanitary napkin for my heavy day? Will they puke upon site at my blood-soaked pad?

What if I am traveling with an elder in my family who has shat in their Depends diaper just before the pat down? Please don't squeeze the shit Mr. TSA.

What if the TSA worker is secretly into busty black girls porn or sadomasochism and they come across me, my funky attitude and my DDs?

What if the TSA worker is secretly into child porn and they want to pat down my niece or nephew?

What  if an obvious gay guy gives my husband an infamous "how you doing" wink after a rough pat down procedure? 

What will happen if I tell a TSA worker, "If you can touch mine, I have to touch yours"?

If I tell them that Obama is my cousin, do you think they will give me dap, a pound or a pass? Or put my ass in jail immediately?