Friday, August 7, 2009

Coon Reality TV Roll Call

Since reality television hit the airwaves there has been a formula that all shows follow from the days of MTV’s “The Real World.” The recipe is that the producers select and place people on the show they know will clash. In the United States, most of the social conflict revolves around race and sexuality.

If you have ever seen “The Real World,” there will always be an ignorant white person from the country, or a suburban white who has never been around anybody, but white folk. Then you have the savvy white liberal from a city that is so culturally diverse to represent the “real” America. Also, there is a sexually confused person and a gay or lesbian soul that usually acts out-of-the-box and ends up in a confrontation with an ultra-Right wing Christian from Texas. Finally, you have the urban, angry black man, and the ghetto fabulous chick that often clashes with white rural housemate. In the end, usually the white liberal saves the day and they all walk away singing “We Shall Overcome.”

In recent years, cable television stations such as VH1 saw the profits of using a controversial black person, or a mostly black cast that totally acts like the most ignorant set of coons you’d ever met. Before the ultimate black set-back, “Flavor of Love,” came on, VH1’s reality shows were experiencing low ratings, but the former rapper turned TV phenomenon, Flavor Flav, took advantage of the short-lived fame of displaying some of the most historically negative stereotypical black behavior across the world.

Flavor Flav opened up the floodgates of a downpour of ig’nant black reality TV shows. There is only one show that attempts to capture a “normal” black family and that is “Run’s House” a series around the family of former hip-hop pioneer “Run” of Run DMC.

Now of course the normalcy that is supposedly depicted is quite interesting, especially when you have a family living in one of the richest counties in New Jersey and flipping their family enterprises into a slew of businesses (ie Pastry shoes and Brown Sugar Jewelry) due to daddy’s and his brother’s (Russell Simmons) long list of industry connections.

But with that said, I see folk eating this show up, especially black youth who marvel at how Rev. Run gives his children whatever their hearts desire and has this calm and level-headed approach toward discipline—even after his oldest son was busted for buying marijuana. It is like the “Cosby Show” with a hip-hop twist. Can I throw up? However, in France the show is titled something like “Ghetto Pastor”.

But you and I know, in most houses, that would not be the case. Not only would JoJo have gotten a beat-down by his mother and father, but he would’ve been shamed by being dragged to testify in front of Rev. Run’s church. Oh, but you know what? I don’t think Run has a church at all.

In spite of “Run’s House,” today there is a list of reality TV shows or RTV characters that put the late 19th Century and early 20th Century Black Face minstrel shows and Stepin’ Fetchit performers to shame.

American TV is doing the same thing that the music industry did to mainstream, black hip-hop artists. It monopolizes the genre and creates a caricature of black folk that has the rest of the world thinking that all African-Americans, especially those of the urban areas, think, act, and behave the same trifling way. Oh, except for Barack Obama, and my best buddy, Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Another issue I have with RTV, and this is for all people that participate, the participants are recycled like Hollywood celebs recycle old puss and nuts, swapping the same spit and herpes with each other.

This proves my theory that Hollywood finds a pool of “actors” to exploit, uses them up then throws them away. They are usually the cheap former porn stars that would do anything to get in front of the camera, agree to any contract term, and are paid peanuts to display buffoonery.

Anyway, I’ve put together my Top 10 List of Coon Black Reality TV that kills black media representation anyway you see it. And if you look, these shows are all owned by the same network, Viacom, a media multi-mega-corporation that owns MTV, VH1, BET, and a host of other media outlets.

10. College Hill
This show is taped by the now white owned (Viacom), Black Entertainment Television who has had a notorious history for choosing programming that dumbs-down black viewers and black TV representation. Since the founder and former CEO, Robert Johnson (who I might add is from Mississippi) arrogantly told a group of black journalists that BET would stay good and ignorant it has been consistent. Well, he quite did not put it that way, but about 10 years back he responded to a group of black journalists who were questioning about the quality of BET’s shows that he consciously eliminated shows that made one think for shit like “BET Uncut” because it was an entertainment channel.

Anyway, this RTV show follows the day-to-day lives of black college students who attend historically black universities. It is similar to the “Real World,” but with a supposedly African-American angle. Between the smack downs and failed relationships that usually depict a young black woman who is twisted her neck and a bi-curious Atlanta male acting about as straight as RuPaul not in drag they all speak, they never show them in class. This show puts “Different World” on its back and encourages enrollment drops at HBCUs. I heard from somewhere, one of the participants was selling body oils on a NY subway. So sad.

9. Terrell Owens Show
This show is based on former NFLer (who I personally think is trying to get back into the league) living life after a “high-profile” professional athletic career. The cover of the advertisements in the U.S. has Terrell Owens, aka T.O, photographed nude in a pose made famous by “The Thinker” statue by Auguste Rodin. Ironically, he does anything but think, he says the stupidest shit, plus he has two African-American females that supplement the dumb comments. His agent and publicist (Monique and Kita) are the head bobbling, neck-snapping divas who must school Terrell Owens on black womanhood since exclusively dates white women.
I looked at this dud-for-a-show for about 3 minutes and laughed when one of ladies were telling them about a black woman’s hair. Now, you’ve seen Terrell’s complexion, uhm, he came straight from a black woman and man, so he knows about a black woman. And he’s from Alabama or Arkansas, so not only does he know a black woman. This “I’m not familiar with black women” is so Charles Barkley. Between T.O.’s crazy antics for an audience and stupid comments, this is such a waste of precious airtime. Of course this is on none other than, VH1.

8. Tiny and Toya The levees done came and washed away the sense of Toya, and her "best friend," Tiny, who got jacked up by plastic surgery. I hope someone told her she looks like a deformed creature.

This show centers former R&B group singer, Tameka “Tiny” Coddles and the teen ex-wife of Lil Wayne, Antonia “Toya” Carter who might I say got pregnant at 12-years-old. These two women try to find their sense of purpose (I guess this is the plot) as they maneuver through life facing challenges.

“Tiny” whose plastic surgery makes her look like a mutated pig-dog mixture (check out her lips, they look like a character from that old puppet show “The PJs”), is trying to get her umpf back once her baby-daddy, rapper T.I.P goes to jail for a year on gun charges. And “Toya” a pre-teen mother, who never had a childhood, is still trying to cope with her failed marriage to rapper Lil’ Wayne (Wayne Carter) as she chases her drug-addicted mother back-and-forth from New Orleans and Atlanta.

I have so much to say about these two that I know others can say more eloquently, but let me just ask you guys out there in virtual world, WTF do these chicks do? When I see these women, I just shake my head and say, “My sisters, my sisters.” Oh yes, this is a BET show.

7. Charm School 1
This show of a mostly black cast was designed to take the most uncouth characters from “Flavor of Love 1” and turn them into cultured and respectable women. NOT. I’m not gonna lie, I saw it from beginning to end, and I was really pushing for the winner, Saaphyri who is currently serving a sentence of fraud and lying about her identity.

6. Real Chance at Love
Losers and down-low gentlemen, Chance and Real were once dueling brothers who were contenders in the “I Love New York” show but did not get picked. Now they are seeking their true love with strippers, porn stars, broke down video chicks and low-budget escorts.

5. Real Housewives of Atlanta, 1 & 2
Now this show I have a true beef. How the hell you supposedly are featuring a show of wealthy, married women who have nothing to do all day, but spend their husbands money, but half of them are married? Plus, I do not think one of them, "NeNe" is in a fake marriage.

This show perpetuates the gold-digger caricature and the lonely and undesirable black woman. On top of that, you never see as much back-biting between black women that is really perpetuates the myth that black women do not have healthy and genuine sisterhood. Plus, what’s up with many of the men in here being eyeball rolling queens. It stereotypes gay, black males horribly as well.

4. Frankie and Neffe Show
A spinoff of the “Keisha Cole” show, Frankie and Neffe are trying to live their lives without being supported by are their daughter/ sister, R&B singer Keisha Cole. Damn, they sure do make Oakland look bad. First of all, Frankie is still an addict, and Neffe keep having baby-daddies and cursing out everyone, this is the shit that pulls my hair out. People, we are all not like that. Trust me when I say that. Well, it has been reported that Keisha Cole has become so embarrassed by the previous RTV show, that she refused to do another season, and “Frankie and Neffe” in need a paycheck to support their hood Atlanta status are getting it in, in front of the camera. BET does it again.

3. The Keisha Cole Show 1 & 2
OMG, when I saw this show I was almost in tears. From Keisha Cole trying to figure out who her father is, to her sister Neffe cursing out her ex-husband and baby-daddy, to Frankie acting like the crack-head character in Mo’ Betta Blues, this show is a black American tragedy from beginning to end. Oh yeah, this is a BET classic.

2. I Love New York 1 & 2
What can I say? I am still not convinced that Tiffany “New York” Pollard is from New York, nor do I believe she is biologically a female. This show was about a woman who was turned down in a previous dating competition by the eligible bachelor “Flavor” of rap group Public Enemy. Her outta control behavior and drama-filled, ghetto-fabulous ways won her a show that got the highest ratings for any premier show on VH1. By the second season, I was vomiting in my mouth.

1. Flavor of Love 1, 2. 3
This show re-introduced the world to Black Face at its best, along with the 2¢ pole dancers and white trailor trash who all got better boob jobs from their paychecks. VH1’s gold mine.

Honorable Mentions: Harlem Heights, Baldwin Hills, For the Love of Ray J---yuck, yuck, and more yuck.

1 ish talking intellectuals holla at a sista:

Reggie said...

Nothing but straight coonery!!!